Cycling: The World’s Next Great Threat

Cycling: The World’s Next Great Threat

Cycling is a terrible idea.

Why? You ask.

Because it just doesn’t make sense.

Using the world’s most efficient source of transportation to get around is a poor idea.

Plus, they get in the way of perfectly good vehicles. You know, those things with motors.

By using your bike for transport or recreation you are taking up a piece of the road which could be used for a motor vehicle, the proper owners of the road.

Some may argue, incorrectly, that having more bicyclists creates more space for motorists, so they should be happy to see cyclists.

False logic.

How does having a lycra-clad, wanna-be superhero in my way create more road space for me and my BMW?

Look at all the space they're taking up!

Look at all the space they’re taking up!

Plus, I pay taxes for these roads. You, obviously as a free-loading bum, don’t.

Why does a second-class citizen in our society, who doesn’t even have the money to purchase a vehicle, have the right to use my precious piece of tarmac?

And then there’s the self-righteous winter cycling commuters.

Do you really love the environment and cycling so much as to put up with snow/slush/rain on the roads in order to get to your ‘job’ at some co-op, or your never ending ‘career’ as an academic?

Or are you just poor?

And even though we try to hide our disdain for the poor, lets be honest: nobody likes them.

Sure, some may argue ‘that there is no downside to cycling,’ or ‘it’s the healthy and friendly way to get around, and it’s also fun.’

Don’t listen to these pot smoking hippies.

All they’re trying to do is further their evil plan to take over our roadways, and turn our cities into some sort of pseudo-Amsterdam cycling utopia.

Why on earth would we want that, when we could take the Houston, Texas city planning route, where absolutely nothing smaller than a government issued tank is safe on the roads.

Doesn’t this make more sense?

Don’t you want your loved ones to be protected from everything in the outside world, so they can enjoy their 1.5hr commute in peace?

So, in order to make our views clear, lets make sure to give every cyclist we see a dirty look, a near miss, or some choice words.

We can’t lose this battle for our streets.

If cyclists get respect, what next? Women in the workforce and interracial marriage?!?

We all know this can’t happen.

Stand united with me.

Say ‘no’ to cyclists.

Couldn't we just have cows instead of cyclists? Like in India.

Couldn’t we just have cows instead of cyclists? Like in India.

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  1. December 20, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    I wish I loved cycling as much as you do :)

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